This is the journey I am on; the one I seek to find greater balance within. Understanding both my personal and spiritual paths helps me navigate between these two with greater ease. So, I nurture both my personal 3D experiences with my Spiritual awakenings to emerge into greater wholeness!

As I write this in October of 2023, I can say that I have been on this journey for a very long time now. In the past 9 years or so I have been journaling; each Journal with a different title. Reflecting on these titles shows me, in a stunningly visual way, how constant my pursuit has been.

The journal writing began in earnest after the sudden death of my mother in 2014. Having already lost my father a few years before, I was, somehow, thrust into a parentless world where I knew with great certainty that how I chose to live out the remainder of my years was completely on me — of my choosing. And, thus began this even deeper dive into my inner world. I wanted to know my legacy, the legacy of my life thus far, and how I wanted to move forward. Somehow, my mother’s death — becoming a motherless child — was the impetus for me!

Wisest Legacy

Mothers are our legacies.
Mother is mine.
Between the past and now,
between the Both and the And,
are the pieces of me.
I believe – I believe in the legacy;
I believe in the power of her influence, both conscious and
unconscious,
both hurtful and helpful — and I am wiser for it —
or on my way to wiser.
How I navigate this path, this journey, from her legacy to me
Is the stuff of my life.
Between mothers and daughters,
between the reverberating echoes of mother influence,
I seek me,
and I seek the mothering within
that binds and heals my heart — however this manifests.
The imprints are laid down
and the pieces are to be followed back to heart,
back to Spirit,
the ultimate Mother of all,
the one whose legacy
touches the deepest essence of me.

(from 2019)

 

On October 25, 21014 Mum died. She’d had a massive stroke that paralyzed the entire right side of her body. But, her mind, which was affected by previous strokes over a number of years, was really sharp. It was as if this latest stroke had cleared up some of the pathways in her brain and she was largely lucid for her last 16 days of life. Her children, and almost all of her grandchildren, made the pilgrimage to her bedside over the course of her last days which was so beautiful to see and experience.

One of my sisters and I even wrote down phrases and words she spoke out loud as she drifted between the worlds in her very last days. They seemed to tell a story of her crossing over; of what, and whom, awaited her on the other side.

I was deeply moved by it all. And, deeply aware of the changing role I was to assume upon her passing. A life of my own, unencumbered by being her caretaker. What I did not expect was the vast hole that was left inside as I moved further from her death. By December, her Memorial Service was complete – and on her Birthday on January 26, 2015, the snow began to fall and did not stop until we had accumulated over 8 feet of snow by April! Those were dark months for me as I sat in my little professors chair at the dining room window looking out on an ever deepening level of snowflakes mounting toward the sky.

So, by February my infrequent journal writing began in real earnest, where I wrote almost every day. This ritual persisted for many years with each journal titled something different as I traversed the depths of my shadow self. Yet, upon reflection, each small book I filled with my ruminations followed a linear path inward.

Volume 1: Feeding Your Demons (2015)
Volume 2: The Paradigm Shift: Moving From My Past Wounds to Celebrating My Gifts (2016)
Volume 3: Sitting in the Swell of Emotion (2017)
Volume 4: Separating the Belief From What Is (2018)
Volume 5: Both/And: The Way of Enlightenment (2019)
Volume 6: Both/And squared: The Even Deeper Way of Enlightenment (2020)
Volume 7: My Night Sea’s Journey Turns Toward Home (2021)
Volume 8: Companioning Myself Into the Now (2022)
Volume 9: Building the Vertical Connection (2023)
Volume 10: Re-claiming My Completeness: Re-membering the Gifts of My Ancestors (2023-Present)

This personal journey, as a motherless child, is both arduous in its loneliness, and enlightening in its opportunity for personal growth. With loss as the catalyst, and grief as a guide, we can pause the flow of our daily lives and dive deep. Woven into the fabric of this painful process, for me, is Spirits’ presence in my life. Tenderly, it companions me…

So, today, January 26, 2024, on what would have been your 100th Birthday, I share this piece of my journey.

It’s been said that enlightenment is knowing how to parent oneself. Well, I’m on my way; one day at a time… Thank you, Mum, for your presence in my life, even now from the other side!

Just notice what you notice…