What a tumultuous time we are in right now in the world at large. It is April 2024, and we have just had the Solar Eclipse on the 8th, we are in a Mercury Retrograde right now, and Jupiter conjuncts Uranus on the 20th!

What is even more important for me, is that while the western astrological chart had the solar eclipse in Aries, in the Vedic chart the eclipse was in Pisces, my own astrological sign.

I sure have been feeling the energetic effects of these past few weeks, and have been awash in so many feeling states that it has felt like complete chaos. I know that I am not alone in experiencing these energies, so I wanted to give voice to my own noticings as a way of connecting with others who are also in the throes of things.

Most importantly, my experience is just that, mine. I do not presume to speak as if I know anyone else’s story – or FOR anyone else’s experience. I just know that sharing this will make me feel closer to folks. 

What I have noticed most is the ‘throw-back” feelings that I have had. As if teleported back in time, some of the oldest and darkest emotions and beliefs about myself emerged on the 8th of April and have only just calmed down in the last few days for me, where I feel more grounded in my Self. Whether these feeling states and beliefs arose because of being in a retrograde period, where the past comes crashing through the door of our current life experience, or whether it is just a culmination of all these monumental energetic shifts in the cosmos, I have been upended and tossed about in the chaos as if in a tornado of pain! I have been stunned by the amount of distress within me, that I have carried within me, all these many years. As if jettisoned into my childhood and young adulthood, I have felt the deep ache of loneliness, grief, self-doubt, and crushing despair. And, as I have just said, it took the wind right out of me.

Within this whirlwind of emotion I lost my way; and I lost my own practice of grounding myself in the Present moment! I saw glimpses of ground, but only glimpses. I must have said 100 times “you are not alone,” and then I’d lose the thread of that Truth and be buried in the reeds again. I could not hold those very messages that I so often invite my clients to remember – that they are not alone; that they can hold space for the healing to happen. I was, once again, thrown into the depths of my own wounded storyline. It was excruciating. Yet, I also knew on some level that if I just stayed with this pain, it would reveal so much to me about who I am today, and not of who I was when I was young!

That one thought was, and is, the greatest illustration of how far I have come on my personal healing journey. That I could have ANY perspective on the entire morass of shit I was in, made clear to me that I am O.K. I know, too, that we are never entirely clear from our deepest wounding; that it is the karmic lesson we are here to heal. Each of us has a different path to traverse along this lifetime. But, I also know again, today, that my wounds don’t dictate my thoughts, behaviors and beliefs the way they used to. For 8 or 9 days I could not find the forest for the trees. Yet, here I am more balanced and more whole for it all!

So, I plumbed the depths and have found release from the grips of the chaos! I feel so grateful for wading through to the other side of it all. And, I was able to see that that distress, while it is in me, is NOT me anymore. I was able to bring love and compassion to those wounded ones within who were crying out for my attention. I said more than once, “I see you. I hear you, and I am with you!” I will continue to notice them, to track them, and to offer love along the way. And, I will be better for it!

It feels so liberating to write this all down, to acknowledge it out loud, so to speak, and to experience the physical and emotional relief in having named it. 

The seeds of new beginnings are being planted deep right now. The dirt on my hands and beneath my fingernails are a tribute to my future. I cannot wait to see what blooms forth from them!!

(from April 19, 2024)

Just notice what you notice…